12.03.06
Reflections on the Loss of a Friend
By Tariq Nelson
Last Monday (11/13/06), I received a phone call from a friend telling me that Rasul Madyun - a person that I had known for the better part of 10 years - had a brain aneurysm and admitted into the Howard University Hospital and had emergency surgery. Initially he was recovering well - though still sedated - and was transferred to the Georgetown University Hospital where he spent his last days.
During that time, dozens of people came in to visit, inquire about his condition, and offer help to his family. Some people even immediately jumped on airplanes upon hearing this news and immediately came to see about him out of genuine love and concern.
On that Sunday he took a sudden turn for the worse and passed away on the following day at the age of 30.
Everyone who knew Rasul - Muslim and non-Muslim - knew him to be very friendly and intelligent person that was extremely active in the betterment of society as a whole, highly educated, belonged to several civic organizations and was dedicated to working with the youth and took a personal interest in their lives. And as a result of his tireless work, he was very well respected and loved.
His funeral was easily the largest (for a Muslim) I’d ever attended in the United States. I did not do a head count, but I’d estimate that there was over 1,000 were in attendance. The love that was shown for him was simply overwhelming. People of all stripes - many of whom flew in from out of town - were there to pay their respects to this man. Many local Imams including Imam Majid of ADAMS and Imam Johari Abdul-Malik of Dar al Hijrah were in attendance as well as Dr. Sayeed M. Sayeed, the Secretary General of ISNA.
Young and old, Muslim and non-Muslim, people of all colors took off work to come out to pay final respects for him. I can only imagine what the attendance would have been like had it been on a Saturday. Further, there was a well attended absentee funeral service in his (and my) home of Memphis, TN.
This was only a sign of the kind of human being that Rasul was, and evidence of the positive impact he had on those around him.
Many emotions have hit me at the same time. I think we should all think about these questions.
What will happen to me after my own death? What will happen to my family after my death? What will my legacy be after my death? Have I had a positive or negative impact on those around me? What would be said about me after my death? A simple “inna lillahi an inna ilahi raajioon” and never to be thought of again?
Things like family and community matter. We don’t live in a bubble. We can tell ourselves that we are concentrating on our children, but - like it or not - it really does “take a village” to raise children. This was the case with Rasul. His parents raised him. And his community raised him. He grew up in a community of individuals that felt like they had nearly as much stake in his life as their own children.
I feel like many of us - especially those of us that are converts - had recently begun taking these things for granted. Amongst many of us, there is an unwritten rule that it is blameworthy to keep family ties. We try to construct a bubble around ourselves. Those of us who tried that approach have found that this was a huge mistake and its ramification has been very harmful.
So as I witnessed this great outpouring of love, I could not help but think afterwards about what would happen in the event of my own death. Not only what would happen to me, but those I leave behind.
Have any of you thought about, in the event you and your spouse both pass away, who do you leave to take care of your children?
Who do you really trust to take care of your children and to carry out your wishes AND that your children know and feel comfortable with?
Have you met with this person to discuss this realistically? More than just a five minute conversation, but about all the nuances? Does he really want to take care of your children or is he saying ‘yes’ because that is just kinda like “the thing to say”?
If the person you have in mind has children, can he realistically afford to take care of more children? Especially children that are not his own? If he agrees, how does his wife feel about this? Her input is just as important (if not more important) as she likely will be with the children most of the time.
Do you really trust this person to give him all of your bank account information, places you have kept cash hidden, the combination to your safe, your ATM PIN, the location of all of your valuables and all of the most personal information so that he may be able to access it in the event of your death?
In the event only you die, leaving your wife and kids, what provisions have been made for your wife and children to pay the rent and keep the food on the table? The car note? Was she a housewife? Have you talked to her about what she and the family would do in the event of your death? Assuming the children are in Islamic School, any plans for how she will be able to continue to pay for that? What about ongoing expenses that are a part of your family’s current life? Growing children costs progressively more.
What about paying for burial costs? Who will pay off your debts? Will your family be burdened with it?
Are these not questions that Muslims should think about? Are Muslims supposed to procrastinate on these issues, completely ignore them, or pretend it will never happen? Is this something that we should dismiss and say “I’ll deal with that when it happens”? Should we just leave it? Should your family just be thrown out there to be a ‘ward of the masjid’ asking for sadaqah money to pay the rent and basic needs?
Even in Rasul’s death, another lesson was reinforced. Community is important.
We must be closer.
Death is an admonishment. A lesson in itself, and part of the lesson here was the importance of community. This is what impressed so much about Rasul’s family and community. The true love. Rasul had close people around him. Rasul worked tirelessly to strenghten the bonds of community. I hope to take this lesson and apply it. We all need to have this type of closeness and genuine love. It is very important.
I pray that Allah enters Rasul into Paradise and hope that this love shown by the people for him is a sign of Allah’s love for him
Note: Rasul’s parents need help taking care of the medical, funeral and other expenses associated with this tragedy. Checks/Donations can be made out to “Masjid Al-Muminun c/o Madyun Family” and sent to: Masjid Al-Muminun, 4412 S Third, Memphis, TN 38109. The phone number at the masjid is 901-789-1904
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