04.09.07
Appreciation - More Than Mere Words
All of us need to be appreciated, but appreciation is a value that is declining in our modern lives. Mutual understanding goes a long way towards being appreciated. When husbands and wives are side-by-side, supporting each other, their children are then set an example of how to appreciate others. The children learn how to reassure and how to be reassured, how to support others and how to be supported. If we want our children to lead fruitful lives, we must set an example.
Not Only Words
Appreciation between husbands and wives does not manifest in words only. There are hundreds of ways in which gratitude can be shown. Cooperating towards achieving a better life for the family is one major form of appreciation. Equally important is showing interest in the opinion of one’s spouse. In bad times, when there may be depression, unless appreciation is demonstrated and comprehended as such, the spirit to go on can be undermined.
The problem of lack of appreciation can exist for different reasons:
Some cultures believe that if one appreciates one’s spouse, then one is spoiling them. They get used to having anything that they want and so they never become satisfied in marriage.
The struggle to survive constant stress or bad circumstances sometimes creates a pattern of behavior that does not allow one to take the time to think of others and to appreciate others.
Our rapid lifestyle allows for little communication between husbands and wives.
Everyone has responsibilities and duties, but some people think that what they are doing is more important than what others are doing.
Competitiveness is a growing ill that undermines reciprocity.
Some people believe one should not thank others.
Consequences
It is not always one-sided. There can be many reasons why you are not getting the appreciation that you deserve:
Home or a hotel? You have reduced your life together to a series of chores and duties and have stopped making your spouse feel special.
You have lost your sense of humor and no longer laugh at the things you used to.
You no longer take care of yourself.
You have lost interest in the things that your spouse loves.
Your spouse has found someone who appreciates him or her more, or he or she finds life at home unstimulating.
You think of yourself and your needs without considering those of your spouse.
The absence of appreciation, which may seem trivial, can result in a very bad atmosphere within the family, which means the children miss out from not learning this art of appreciating others in their early years. Children may develop the understanding that whatever they do is unworthy. When the need to be appreciated is not fulfilled inside of the family, it can lead to inappropriate choices.
Solutions
Ask Allah Most High for His support and guidance, and have the good intention. Learn the importance of appreciation and ways of expressing it.
Applaud the work of others, even if it is their duty, like taking care of the children and working hard to improve the living standards of the family.
Don’t compare your spouse to others, because not everything is as it seems.
Try to respect your spouse and help him or her succeed in his or her field.
Try to intensify your interest when your spouse is going through a difficult period.
Do not hesitate in showing your feelings.
Always remember that people are different, so show your appreciation in a manner that suits you and accept the ways in which others express appreciation.
A good example is a story about`Umar ibn Al-Khattab (may Allah be pleased with him). A man went to visit `Umar at his home to complain about his wife. While he was waiting for `Umar, the man heard `Umar’s wife shouting, while `Umar remained silent. The man decided to leave, but `Umar came out and asked him what he needed. The man told `Umar he had come to complain about his wife, but he found `Umar’s wife with similar behavior. `Umar then told the man that he tolerated his wife because of his duty towards her, as she had been taking care of all the household responsibilities and the children. She had also been there for him and made him feel tranquil and abstinent, so men have to appreciate their wives and be patient with them.
When we look at the story, we find it to be so short but so full of lessons to apply. Although `Umar was the caliph and had the courage to acknowledge his wife’s behavior, he also acknowledged that in many cases wives go beyond their duty and that their tasks are not easy. `Umar understood that his wife was overwhelmed and responded to her behavior accordingly.
Relations within the family are all-important and if broken, they are very difficult to restore, so remember “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.”
By Rasha Dewedar
__________________
Sources:
Al_Shablanji, Sayyid Hassan. Nour el Absar fi Manakeb al Beit El Nabi El Mukhtar. Egpyt 1873.
http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/Satellitec=Article_C&cid=1171897418842&pagename=Zone-English-Family%2FFYELayout
Rasha Dewedar has a bachelor’s degree in oral and dental medicine. She is also Assistant Editor for Health & Science at Islamonline.net.
No Tags